COURTSHIPS WITH FREE WEB HOSTS

For days, I’ve been looking for a lovely free web host. So I tried blind dating.

Whenever I’m online, I can’t control my temptations. Porn is just a click away. And I am happy. But that’s another story.

I tried to meet with that topless tramp from xtube.com after I received her link on YM. Yes, I can resist temptations. I meet, I greet, and then ours meet. Then everything just goes by without knowing it’s 3 am already.

I stumbled on this site (you’re right, a steamy one) that has this odd URL. “***.110mb.com”. It stripteased on my screen, saying that it can offer a free 10 G webhost with a subdomain and a nifty interface similar to that aphrodisiac iPhone. 110mb was hot alright. So I tried to browse 110mb then came shortly my approved registration. That was fast, I thought. With the help of some advocates of software piracy here in our province, I’ve learned the basics of FTP uploading. There, I plunged WordPress and its plugins and seeded almost every theme and plugin I can find. They multiplied.

And then I hit him. Everything went red.

I embraced him more that he embraced php 5 for its neat template of black and red. I have downloaded almost every gorgeous open source wordpress themes available, uploading and then clicking one after the other. It took me a pretty long while, but it was bliss. Dean came, and I floated. He became green, he can be white, he can be purple, but I love him when he steams crimson. He was like the guy my housemate considered as bestfried when they’re together on the same bed under the same brown blanket. He toppled everyone… Vertigo, K2, Fresh, Time Manager… I then realized… I fell in love with 110mb. More importantly, I fell in love with him. Dean.

?????

Pffft. That is so gay.

But after a while, 110mb turned to be a big turn off. It jams downloading into half. When you try to download files from their hosting, it only finishes half of it. So parang naging mananaggal ang aking site, ano? (no Enggris translation for the hell I care ) And Dean failed me as well. His twit-twoo plugin is soo maarte, I nearly pulled his head out for excessive slapping (Pfft, that really is so gay.). Ony that point two missed the spot. I’m so pissed off, I didn’t sleep until 4 just to find another accomodating and un-pissing-off free web. Cool off kami ni Dean for 5 hours.

Last night, I found free-webhost something.com and tried blind dating once more. Some are really really cute, like they could just let me pull their zippers and then enjoy the night for sumptuous 5 G capacity and unlimited bandwidth. A few minutes later, I got laid without knowing. That was really fast. Freehostingnow did it. I didn’t resist. It swallowed me whole, and everything went weee.

Its orgasmic pseudo- iPhone interface and rapid responses really worth an hour for experimenting different positions. It was hard for me at first since I never sat on a couch and had the rest of the ‘handiwork’ done in front of me. And Dean was there, witnessing everything. No, he actually joined our bumpy ride on my desktop. Life had never been this easy that I could easily upgrade my account for just a cent. I’m so enticed. It took me 5 hours before I finally took rest.

Then she knocked my door down (don’t ask why. She’ll sue me).

I didn’t realize freehostingnow has been lying to me for the past few hours of our exotic delight. To end it up, I finally asked who it really is.

“Tch, fine. I’m Host Gator, and you owe me 24 bucks a month excluding the “jury ticket” for the hosting discount. OK?.”

I’m broke. (BG music: Delilah).

“Ain’t you happy that I saved your life, you pompous wide-forehead idiot?”, she cried.

“Gusto ko sportscar, yung red…”, I retorted. Then Dean hugged me with his Redoable 1.2 Red. “I didn’t leave you, silly.”

“I won’t let you do this all by yourself, you BelAmi hunks. Front me!”, said Shari.

STOP!

“Kuya, Bleach na. Meryenda na sa labas” (It’s Bleach now, Kuya. Come outside and juice up).

—–

The momentum ended in a snap. I was really close to phantasmic oblivion, with all the pinging proposals from exphoster, joshost, and jaywebdesigns in my POP account. A lot of flirting, I guess. One had a 250 MB capacity and 4 G bandwith, with only 700 Kb maximun of uploads at a time. Yeah right, kuripot. It lasted only a split second after three minutes.

Joshost? Joshost was “bisaya” like me. Grew up in the provinces and spent 16 years in the barriotic schools of NCST (No, don’t look at me ^_^). I knew he is poor in English while I tries to be the articulating one very ok. Whatever. What I recall is that he misplaced the apostrophes of its and their and then I was reading Pidgin Malaysian rhotics. But Joshost was friendly. Answered almost all my queries like “where did my password for the cPanel go” and then jos answered like “Oh, I forgot. They’re all in your Spam folder”. Two days of waiting, and all were spam ever since. I booted it out. Besides, what would a 1 G capacity and Unlimited bandwidth do with a regularly downing servers of joshost, huh? Or I guess it was my fault that joshost needs to upgrade php versions because of my eenie weenie request for a Twitter widget on my template?

Then there’s the bribe chocolate. I love chocolates, especially those that tasted like dried Milo or Ovaltine paste. Of course I’m kidding. Those oysters were better. And the garlic. I was lustful for the frustration of a long URL “es2pido.jaywebdesigns.com”. So uni.cc and I had a good deal. Uni.cc on my head while jay on my lower back.

And here it is… “http://es2pido.uni.cc”. My baby

————-

Stupid sex story, right? I’m so prolifically inarticulate these days, probably for too much effort of understanding web scripts.

Thank you Dean J. Robinson for the wonderful WP 2.1 template Redoable. To Jay for accepting my utmost request of a free large capacity hosting. To Ems for that uber cheap paid hosting which I’m dying to have one (will sign up for that php5 -powered subdomain hosting of yours soo ^_^). To Shari for the useless comments. To Jhed and Moses for their good sportsmanship of getting parloric for 5 minutes in this post. And me, for keeping myself awake for the trials and errors and 7 free hosting signups.

I’m back.

I’ve installed Random quotes and uploaded sensible salawikains every Filipino people should embark in their hearts. Go on and see for yourself. I mean, move your irises upward, chum.